Blake Healy conference and birthday

 this past weekend I went to Abilene to go to a conference called Lifting The Veil with speaker Blake Healy. the worship was great. a band from Beltway Park played and during worship several people were dancing extravagantly and waving banners in the front. I love it when people feel free to worship in the front where they can be seen. it creates an atmosphere where you're allowed to express yourself and not hold back from how you desire to worship Him. then Blake got up to speak.

Blake has had the gift of seeing angels and demons with his physical eyes since he was a child. he talked about his childhood and how for a period of 8 years he was tormented by demonic visions in his bedroom. a demon would come to him at the foot of his bed and impart fear over his body or breathe on him. also they would show him horrific images like on a movie screen or do creepy things like make the radio turn on and when Blake would unplug the radio it would continue to turn on. he tried all sorts of things, praying, worshiping, rebuking, saying the name of Jesus, but nothing worked. he said he was too afraid to tell his parents because he thought they would think he was crazy. he told them he was just scared. finally, the family ended up moving to California where they joined a spirit-filled church and Blake began to meet people who were like-minded and could hear God's voice. he began to open up to people about his struggles and also to his parents. after he opened up the tormenting images and attacks went away. he said it still tries to come every year or so but that he rebukes it or ignores it and watches half a movie until it goes away. this was super encouraging regarding my own struggle with dealing with the demonic. although I don't see images like he did I feel them on my face and neck constantly. and the revelation that it took 8 years for him to get free gave me hope that even though it's been about 5 years for me God can still move in my life and set me free. I do talk to people about it, so I know I'm not alone. I don't know what will ultimately set me free, but I'm looking forward to it. maybe I should move to California! haha! :D

anyway, he told several cool stories about seeing angels and demons. after the worship on the first session he said he saw an angel standing in the middle of the church and that balls of fire were coming out of the people worshiping and going to the angel's wings where it turned into incense and ascended up to Heaven. this is awesome because it means our worship activates angelic activity and is a pleasing aroma to the Lord. on another occassion he saw a vision of waves of Glory coming from the stage and coming out to the audience. and just like ocean waves, it would go a bit farther and farther each time it went out, until the whole audience was submerged in Glory waves.

he told an interesting story that stuck with me. he said he was at a pool with his kids one day and he saw a woman in her fifties who had a bunch of tubes under her arms and she would dip her head in the water and swim for a few inches, then abruptly bring her head back up. she did this several times. then Blake began to see what was happening in the spirit. he saw an angel who was standing over her and cheering her on, telling her she could do it (he said he doesn't usually hear the angels or demons audibly but that he can interpret what is going on) and on the other side there was a demon that was mocking and insulting her. and when she would put her head in the water the demon would put a claw in her neck and she would abruptly come back up. and Blake asked the Holy Spirit what was going on and the Holy Spirit explained that she had had a traumatic swimming incident as a child and for years she didn't want to swim, but she recently decided to overcome her fear of swimming. Blake said he later gave a word of encouragement to the woman that it was awesome what she was doing and he said her face lit up. he didn't feel led to give her a prophetic word necessarily. he explained that when he sees the demonic on people he doesn't speak to them about it because it usually does more harm then good.

Blake prophesied over some people in the audience about their personal angel. on the second night I stood in line to get a word from him and just as it was almost my turn (a couple people were ahead of me) the pastor decided to cut it off for the night. but my sister Heather went up to Blake and asked him if he could do one more word for me because it was my birthday in a couple of days. Blake said sure.
he said he saw my angel two different ways. first he saw him holding a bunch of maps and charts. and he felt like that meant that God wants to take me a lot of different places - not just physically but revelatory journeys. He wants to talk to me about different things. he said I'm a deep thinker and God likes to reveal things to me. He's given me a gift of mapping out how I got to where I got. he also saw my angel as the Incredible Hulk...big and beefy and muscular...angry but in a good way. he said I have a gift of breaking through things...breaking through people's walls...that this has to do with a revelatory thing to break through boundaries and things in people to make room for God.

although he didn't speak about my struggles (which was a bit disappointing) he did speak some encouraging things over me. it's awesome that God is taking me on a revelatory journey and that He is going to speak to me. so even if Blake doesn't have the answers, the Lord will reveal the answers to me over time. and God is going to use me to bring breakthrough to people.

Blake did several Q &A sessions. he answered many different types of questions. one theme that came up repeatedly was that for situations where there seems to be no solution, God is inviting us to talk to the Holy Spirit and get revelation from Him. Blake said several times that the best part of seeing in the spirit is not necessarily what you see, but it's about the conversations you have with the Holy Spirit about what you saw. this is because seeing in the spirit is not the main thing, but intimacy with Jesus is and the purpose of seeing in the spirit is to grow closer to Him. although it's frustrating if you don't feel like you hear from God, Blake encouraged us that everyone can see in the spirit. it just takes practice, listening, and paying attention to the smallest impression or vision or word.

there was an activation time at one point. we were told to find a partner that we don't know super well. I ended up with an older lady named Patsi. she was wearing a purple shirt and had white hair. I felt like I saw her wearing a robe, possibly purple like her shirt, and a crown. I also saw a white dog. I saw her standing in a vineyard and working the vineyard. I told her I wasn't sure what the dog represented, but that her working in the vineyard meant that she was fruitful and that she was a good steward of the fruit of the Spirit. she was encouraged by that word and said that she was currently working on a ministry to young women and that she took that as an encouragement that the ministry would be fruitful. she felt the dog represented that she was a daughter of God because she always felt like an underdog growing up but the fact that the dog was white represented victory. I don't know for sure if that was right on, but I'm glad she took it that way. then she gave me her word. she said she saw an airplane taking off and heading into a rainbow. she said she felt like it represented that God was taking me to another level, that new things were going to happen, and He was taking me into my promise. I told her I had been writing songs lately and that I felt like I was going to a new place. I also told her that I would be flying this Christmas to go to San Francisco. and I didn't tell her this but I'll explain it here. I know the rainbow represents the gay pride movement. but I believe it also represents Jesus. so if the world intends the rainbow to mean one thing, God intends it to mean another thing. so it doesn't surprise me that God would give me the rainbow image and that it coincides with going to San Francisco. God understands that what the world intends for evil He can redeem and intend it for good. so that's how I take that.

after the conference and the day before my birthday my sister Heather threw me a party with my cousins. we went out to my cousin Taylor and his wife Jessica's house. several of my cousins were there and their partners. we ate chicken nuggets, chicken strips, and mashed potatoes and other sides (Jessica made some delicious mac and cheese with Velveeta) and then my cousin Brenton led us in worship. it was a beautiful and rare time of fellowship.

yesterday was my actual birthday. it was fun. I had a free dinner at Houlihan's with my friend Madonna (not the pop-star, though that would be awesome too), then went to see a movie called Austenland and ran into a friend named Jessica who joined us and blessed us by buying our tickets and popcorn. during the movie (which is inspired by Jane Austen and especially Pride and Prejudice) there were a couple of scenes where someone had either a shirt or a bumper sticker that said "I Heart Darcy" (referring to Mr. Darcy). see below:

and after the movie we went to a Starbucks and we met a woman in an electric wheelchair whose named was Darcy. she had an autoimmune disease. I asked her if I could pray for her and she said yes. I told her about the scenes from the movie with the "I Heart Darcy" slogan and I told her I felt like God was saying that He loves Darcy. she was encouraged by that and the prayer. it was awesome! 

so far my birthday has been ushered in with celebration, worship, feasting, surprises and a prophetic word about my personal angel to boot. and I still have my birthday party coming up here in Fort Worth. and because of the conference, my expectation has been raised for seeing in the spirit realm and/or hearing God's voice. it's been a good time.

Two songs I wrote

I wrote two songs in the past few days. The first one came to me as I was driving and the phrase "pipe dream" entered my stream of thoughts. I started crying as I began to admit to myself that many of my life dreams felt like pipe dreams. Here is the first song.

I'll Soldier On

By

Matthew Warren Smith

Was this all just a pipe dream?

A way to spend my thoughts

Did I even really want it?

Cause it seems that all is lost

I don't know where this is going

I can't tell how far it is

You're telling me without showing

How do I even begin?

But I'll soldier on

I'm not giving up

There's too much for me to live for

And I don't want it to go to waste

I keep my head up

And look for tomorrow

I'm standing in front of you

Asking you to help me believe

And be free

I hear Breakthrough is coming

I feel it in my bones

But the silence is deafening

How can I ever move on?

Life is a sweet mystery of knowing

But it breaks my fragile heart

There is a place where Grace is flowing

But time is keeping us apart

But I'll soldier on

I'm not giving up

There's too much for me to live for

And I don't want it to go to waste

I keep my head up

And look for tomorrow

I'm standing in front of you

Asking you to help me believe

And be free

Why is God letting this go on?

Letting this happen?

When He could easily prevent it today?

He is all that I want

He's the one with the power

Does He know that I'm aching for Him?

But I'll soldier on

I'm not giving up

There's too much for me to live for

And I don't want it to go to waste

I keep my head up

And look for tomorrow

I'm standing in front of you

Asking you to help me believe

And be free

The second song came to me as I was trying to describe how I feel. And the words that came to me were "I'm all alone, but I feel like surrounded". By surrounded I mean that I feel the enemy of my soul (satan) is surrounding me. So the rest begin to flow out of that thought. Here it is:

I'm Not Feeling Good

I'm all alone

But I feel like I'm surrounded 

I'm all alone

And I feel like I'm just getting started

"Heavy" somebody told me that this life would be

What did I know? I thought that I was free

Until the day came when I couldn't get unstuck

I fell through a hole

And now down is up

Am I going crazy?

Cause this torment doesn't ever end

Am I just lazy?

Cause I sit all day and just pretend

I'm not feeling good

No, I'm not even doing ok

I'm not feeling good

No, I can barely start to even pray

I'm crying out

But it seems that no one is listening

I'm crying out

Am I too loud for them to hear me?

Someday I'm going to get out of this ugly mess

I'm going to shout out in ecstasy

I'm going to die laughing hysterically

But until then I'm just in agony

Am I going crazy?

Cause this torment doesn't ever end

Am I just lazy?

Cause I sit all day and just pretend

I'm not feeling good

No, I'm not even doing ok

I'm not feeling good

No, I can barely start to even pray

It's so hard to breathe

I keep having to collect myself

It's so hard to see

I keep having to protect myself, inject myself

I'm not feeling good

No, I'm not even doing ok

I'm not feeling good 

No, I can barely start to even pray

I'm not feeling good

No, I'm not even doing ok

I'm not feeling good

No, I can barely start to even pray

Waiting

I've been listening a lot to Sean Feucht's album Waiting. for those who haven't heard of him, he is sort of a modern day psalmist. his music is "soaking" music. it is designed to help you meditate and focus on the Presence of God. some lyrics he sings over and over. or the music plays softly for an extended period of time. it's a beautiful CD. I've listened to three of his CDs (Waiting, Awaken Love, and the Seattle Sessions) and have been touched by all of them. I'm sure his newer stuff is great too. here's his website: seanfeucht.com one of the lyrics that I connect with is, "I'm waiting here for you. I'm waiting here for you. won't you fill my cup? won't you fill my cup?" (you can find his album "Waiting" on Spotify). I can relate to being in a place of waiting for God to break through and enable me to sense His Presence. some people say you don't ask God to fill you. you just simply have to believe he's filled you already. and there's truth to that. but I think there's a reason Jesus said to "ask, seek, and knock" and I don't think just because you are full of the Holy Spirit that you are currently experiencing Him. so asking is part of the process. of course I get fed up with waiting. I'd rather be experiencing Him. but waiting is still a spiritual step in the process of encountering Him. so I'm content to be waiting for now. here's a picture of me from several years ago. I was part of a photo shoot for a friend's class project. she asked us to write a word on a piece of cardboard that represented us. I wrote the word "Waiting". although this was 2009 and I've gained weight since then, the reality of my experience is still the same. I'm still waiting for Jesus to breakthrough my heart, my emotions, and my spiritual atmosphere and invade my space with the fullness of His love and Presence.

although I am still waiting on God, I did have some highlights in the past several days. I was scanning the American Eagle Careers site and I noticed that a position became open for a "Station Agent" in Dallas/Fort Worth at Love Field airport. this is good because I applied a couple of months ago for a position in Corpus Christie and I was asked to go to an interview. I didn't go, because I knew without a car I wouldn't be able to hold that job, but it was a promising step. if I got an airline job, I would be able to get free flights for myself and my parents and I'd be able to visit my sister and my nephews in San Francico. so I'm optimistic about this DFW position. also, I gave what I think was a prophetic word for someone on Monday. I was spending time with my friend Madonna and we went to a Mexican restaurant. our waitress was named Ashley. she looked similar to a girl I knew in high school named Cherith Bryant. Cherith is a worship leader. I wondered if there was some kind of prophetic link between the two girls so I asked the waitress Ashley if she was a musical person or if she sang. she said that she played clarinet and that she is a music major. I told her I felt like I had a word of encouragement for her that God gave her that gift and that He loved her and he enjoyed the things she enjoyed. just a basic word of encouragement. she seemed touched and said, "well, you've made my day better." she said she is engaged to a guy and he has two kids from a previous relationship and I told her I thought she would be a good mother. she said she's used to kids from taking care of family growing up. so hopefully that word will stay with her. she said she recently moved in with the guy. I wondered what to do with that, but I decided to let the prophetic word speak for itself and not add anything corrective about her living situation. because prophecy is for exhortation and edification and encouragement. it's not usually for correction, although some prophets in the Old Testament used prophecy to correct people. I think you have to be really sure you've heard from God to bring a corrective word. speaking of corrective words, I had an interesting, albeit slightly unpleasant experience on Sunday at church. this wasn't necessarily a highlight. it was just something interesting to observe. I was having some difficulty during worship because of some pain that I was experiencing so I wasn't jumping up and down during worship. later after the service a woman I've met before but don't know very well came up to me and asked me, "you've struggled with depression right?" because I had mentioned something about it while at lunch with her and some people. and I said, "yes, but there's more to the story." and she went on to tell me she had a word for me and the word was that worship was not about me, but about God. and it's not a time for introspection. it's not a spectator sport. she said Worship is about praising Him. and she mentioned that she saw me with my arms crossed during worship and looking around at people and she basically said if I was going to be a spectator to stand in the back where people can't see me. she also said she was a nurse and that I might be diabetic soon because she saw some dark spots on my knuckles. she told me to look up the Diabetic diet, which is no white flour or sugar. I thanked her for her word and moved on. she was right that I wasn't fully engaged that morning, but I wondered if her word was off base. I told someone else about it, a person I respect and he said to just dust that word off because it sounds like she was judging by external appearances. I told this guy that I had been working for 6 months and he said, "the fact that you've been working six months and that you're here and you're standing - that's worship." so that was encouraging. I got a bad word but then a good word afterwards. I was thankful for that. the lady might have been picking up on some things correctly, about my health or my posture that morning, but it wasn't an encouraging word. it was more of a rebuke. so I decided to dust it off, like my friend said. so here I am on Tuesday afternoon. I am resting and waiting for work. I have taken care of some things this morning and I'm feeling pretty good about the future. I'm waiting, but I'm hopeful. :)

Hearing God and The Lion King

several months ago my Mom told me The Lion King would be playing in town and she wondered if I would be interested in going as an early birthday present. I waited a couple of months because I thought it might be possible to get my parents to get me half of a plane ticket to go see my sister and my nephews in San Francisco. you can see her blog here: Our Amazing, Great San Francisco Adventure. anyway, I didn't come up with the other half of the ticket so I decided to go to the play. the gift was for two tickets so I could take a friend. I decided to take my friend Madonna Balas. she's in her fifties, but we spend a great deal of time together. I go to her house and we watch movies or eat out. we talk about our issues, disappointment with church, and our difficulties in relating to "normal people". it's an unlikely but interesting friendship. my Mom informed me that the play tickets also counted as entrance to the Texas State Fair. the morning came and I went with my dad to work so that I could use his car for the day. my Dad told me he recently had heard the song "Roar" by Katy Perry, so we talked about how we both liked it. I turned on the radio to see if it was playing, and after a couple of songs it came on. it was great timing. Dad and I agreed the song made you feel powerful. I was encouraged by that conversation, because I hadn't gotten to talk to my Dad about how much I like that song. I was glad he liked it too. so Madonna and I met in the afternoon to go the fair. I came armed with my Dad's Nalgene water bottle (I need to get one of my own soon). the first thing I noticed were all the people in wheelchairs. it seems unlikely that so many disabled people would come to a huge outdoor event, but there they were. everywhere you turned were men and women in wheelchairs. instantly I felt the tug of compassion and what usually accompanies it - the feeling that I need to pray for some of them for healing. but whether out of shyness or just because I am not at my best emotionally, I resisted. several times. I was wrestling internally about whether I should approach the next one, and then the next one, and at one point I saw someone with a T-Shirt that said "Obey." This fueled my feeling to do something even more. instead I decided to hold back and follow Madonna to our first stop the Children's Aquarium. there we saw a number of fish, as well as small sharks, sting rays, and a large sea turtle. here's me with the turtle:

I especially enjoyed touching the stingrays. their skin felt alien and slimy. it was awesome. after the aquarium, Madonna and I went to the Butterfly House and Insectarium at the Texas Discovery Gardens. it's a large indoor garden filled with plants, trees, and hundreds of butterflies. I don't know how many species they have, but it's a lot. here's some video I took: Butterfly House and Insectarium that was definitely my favorite place at the fair. and the good thing is it's available all year round. after we left the Butterfly House we considered going on the Ferris wheel but we put it off because we thought we might save our tokens for something else. we tried to go to the Milking Cow exhibit but it was closed. then we stopped at a Wine tasting exhibit and I paid for a few shots of wine from a sample cup. Madonna had one too. I felt much more relaxed after drinking that. I forget which brand it was, but their Table Wine was very tasty. we decided to get something to eat so we went to a food court. it was there that I realized that I was missing my dad's water bottle. I told Madonna I needed to go look for it, so I gave her one of the tickets to see the Lion King and I left her eating her food (I regret doing that simply because I could have waited a few minutes and let her eat. there was enough time). I retraced my steps and found the water bottle at one of the "Coupon" booths where we had stopped for directions. once I had my water bottle I felt like I had no excuses anymore about praying for someone. so the next person I saw in a wheelchair I stopped to talk to them. it was an older man named Larry. I forget what his condition was, but I asked him if I could pray for him for healing and he agreed. so I laid my hands on him and prayed for him. as I was wrapping up my prayer, his family came up and I felt a little awkward, so I decided to say goodbye and leave. I didn't do the whole "how are you feeling? is anything happening?" interview. I just left the Lord to take care of him. I finally found my way to the Music Hall where we were going to see the play and I made my way past the entrance and into the hall. our seats were on the balcony. I found my seat, and Madonna joined me a few minutes later. we settled in to watch the play. the first few minutes of the play I was crying. I love the intro "Circle of Life" and the scenes of the animals bowing for the new king. it makes me think of every tribe and nation bowing before Jesus. there were several scenes in the play that I cried. I cried when Simba's father died. I was thinking of my own father, and the day that he might die, and hearing Simba say, "wake up. wake up" made me tear up. I could imagine me laying hands on my father and asking for him to be raised up. and I would likely have to face the cold hard fact that he is/will be gone. this made me feel a conviction to make the most of my time with my father. other scenes that made me cry were when Simba and Nala meet after Simba has been away for a long time. the part where Nala sings, "Why won't he be the king I know he is, the King I see inside", I was struck by the beauty of someone seeing your real identity and rooting for you. I was thinking about my lack of courage during the day and wondering if the Holy Spirit was rooting for me in the same way, to be braver, more ready and willing to break through the general status quo. the scenes leading up to Simba's encounter with His father in the sky were filled with music that touched me as I thought about my own internal struggle as a man dealing with same sex attraction. after his encounter with his father, there was a chorus that went "He lives in you. He lives in me. He watches over us" and that made me cry. of course, I thought about Father God and how he wants me to remember who I am and that His Love lives in me all the time. and at the end when Simba regains his leadership over the pack and ascends Pride Rock I cried as the music swelled, signifying his reclaiming of his kingship. I too believe I am a king in the making, and that the Holy Spirit is rooting for me to ascend my own Pride Rock, to tell the enemy to "Run. Run away and never return" and reclaim my throne. I love these themes of Father and Son, kingship, identity. it touches me deeply. Madonna and I talked about it afterwards and I told her, "that play has Jesus written all over it." and she agreed. so that was my time at the fair. I got rocked and inspired to be braver, to not be afraid to let my "roar" come out (harking back to the conversation with Dad about "Roar"), and to be reminded that God's love lives in me. all in all, it was a great day of encountering God's love. I didn't get totally healed or anything like that, but I was touched by God's Presence and he took my breath away for a few glorious moments.

working on Sunday

this weekend I worked two 12-and-a-half hour shifts at Papa John's. it was exhausting. not so much because of the work, but because I didn't get a full night's sleep. Saturday was ok. I did fine without being too sleepy, and I made $98. but on Sunday I went to bed around 1:30 am and woke up at 8am to get ready for early service at Convergence Church. so later that day I was pretty sleepy while I was driving. I ended up making $74. I was up late on Saturday because I wanted to watch the season premier of SNL. Tina Fey was hosting, and I love her. it was pretty good. my favorite sketch was the fake promo for the HBO series Girls in which Tina plays an Albanian woman who lives with the girls. it was pretty good. here it is: SNL Girls Promo  


the service at Convergence was good. Mark Snider preached. he is the head worship leader. he preached on the spiritual battle we all face as Christians against spiritual principalities. he quoted Ephesians 6:12 and told some stories of encounters with demons. he said one time some people were praying over him and someone asked him if he struggled with pride. and he was taken aback and said he didn't think so, but as they continued praying he felt a force jump on his back and wrap around his neck and sort of choke him a little. they continued praying and rebuking pride and it left. he said that to indicate that the spiritual battle we are in is very real. I could relate with his story. I often feel a light choking sensation around my neck. it isn't keeping me from breathing, but it's like something is wrapped around my neck. he also shared the Scripture about the woman with the spirit of divination who followed the disciples around in Acts. he said the word for divination comes from a Greek word that means "Python". he said he believes this spirit of Python may be the reason why many believers struggle with being fatigued, depressed, and lacking spiritual appetite for the spiritual disciplines. he shared the Scripture about the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and said that each armor represents a spiritual truth we should focus on to ensure we have the full armor of God. I actually sort of get irritated when I hear people talk about the armor of God. it sounds like an easy, simple solution to life's very difficult problems. but I liked that Mark wasn't preaching about saying a prayer over yourself everyday. he was saying that these were each spiritual truths that would help us in the battle. the helmet of salvation represents our eternal security, and the fact that God's got our back. the belt of Truth doesn't just mean reading the Word of God, but focusing on whatever Truth the Lord has given us in the form of prophetic words or simply just walking in integrity and being truthful. the breastplate of righteoussness represents the righteoussness of Jesus and also walking in righteoussness and making righteouss choices. the feet of the readiness to preach the Gospel of peace represents the peace of God. he said the shoes the soilders wore had cleats, which gave them traction. so this peace of God gives you traction as you forcefully advance against the enemy. I don't really know what that means, but it's an interesting analogy. I looked up the word traction and the first definition seems to apply the most: "the adhesive friction of a body on some surface, as a wheel on a rail or a tire on a road." so if the peace of God gives you traction it must mean that it keeps you grounded or something.
the sword of the Spirit is not just any Scripture but it's Scripture or truth for the moment, a breathed word or Scripture that addresses the situation at hand (similar to Jesus' encounter with the devil in the wilderness). so you get the idea. the different armor pieces represent truths that can help you in your fight against the enemy. and of course reading Scripture is part of how we do that. to be honest with you, I really struggle with reading the Bible, which I know is one of the spiritual disciplines that is supposed to help you fight the enemy. the reason I struggle is because while I'm reading I feel the physical sensations of the enemy attacking me, and when I finish reading they haven't budged. so I get discouraged that my reading doesn't do anything for me. ocassionally, I'll pick it up and read it for an hour. what it does do for me is give me a personal sense of satisfaction that I did what I COULD to enrich myself. so I guess that feeling is worth continuing. I haven't done so today, but I will eventually. I don't read it every day and I don't think you have to read it every day, but I agree it's a healthy thing to do. right now I just felt like blogging and putting some of this out there. maybe it will encourage someone else. I am continuing to believe for deliverance. every day I believe it's possible. and my attitude has changed over the past year as I've been working. I used to think that I had to embark on a physical journey (a "Holy Spirit trip") before I could encounter God. I believed that I had to set out and be homeless and continue walking until I had an encounter with the Lord. but now I believe that would simply put me in a 911 situation where I am totally stressed out and the Lord would come through for me, but it would be in spite of what I did, not because of what I did. so now I am calmly staying at home and working as much as I can to pay back my parents and eventually save up for a car.  I actually managed to work 38 hours last week, which is a big deal for me. that's almost a full time job. I believe that diligence and work is a spiritual discipline, so that is the discipline I am most exercising at the moment. but I will make more time for Scripture. if anything, the sermon with Mark Snider reminded me that I do have tools to fight against the enemy, even though it feels like simply a pro-longed period of torment that I have no control over. I believe I do have authority even though it feels like I don't. what I do believe is I can't control the timing of my deliverance. knowing I'm victorious keeps me focused and helps my attitude, but it may not bring about my healing sooner.  I simply have to keep focusing on truth until the deliverance manifests. and I have been encouraged in the past few days because there were moments when the Holy Spirit touched me briefly and my head started tingling (in a pleasurable way. not a painful tingling) that lasted several seconds. this happened two or three times. it was encouraging.  also, I noticed on Sunday while I was working that the day was unusually beautiful. the sun was shining brightly (but it wasn't too hot), the birds were chirping, and the trees looked more alive. or at least it did to me. Sundays always seems special to me, as if the collective worship of the saints around the world is contributing to global peace or a feeling of love. the very day itself seems to be healing. I love these little signs from the Lord that he is  present and moving behind the scenes. I just wish I had been able to spend the day in rest. I really value rest on Sundays. I will have to tell my manager I can't work EVERY Sunday.  I look forward to greater manifestations of healing in the days to come.

The Beginning of Fall 2013

or should I say post-Summer after-glow? the leaves have barely started changing color. it's still very green and very warm. on the radio they were talking about people being overheated in their homes. they were telling people that if you're a senior citizen and your house is 80 degrees, leave the house and go to a friend's house or to the mall. I'm sure that applies to any of us, though thankfully my house is air conditioned (thank you, Jesus). however, we have been getting some rain, which is a nice change. I've enjoyed the summer the best I can, considering. I never got to go swimming and only attended maybe one cookout, but I do have a job now (a minor miracle of achievement, considering my last post). I've been working now for six months at Papa John's doing pizza delivery so that's been keeping me busy. unfortunately, most of my money has gone towards paying my parents back for three separate incidents with the car. I won't bore you with the details except the first two involved the bumper and were my fault and the most recent one involved someone hitting my driver door. it was their fault but the evidence points to it being my fault. so in total I owe my parents $1500 for three separate insurance deductibles of $500 each. I've paid $500 so far. I also pay $550 rent. the job is going ok. it's part time so it's not overwhelming. I still feel demonic attacks on my face and head, but it's not overpowering. I am able to do my work. I enjoy my co-workers and my managers. they make me laugh. today was good. it was Sunday (the 22nd). some interesting things happened. I spent about twenty minutes listening to Katy Perry's "Roar" on my iPhone. I love the song and the first several times I heard it it gave me chills. I love the whole chorus, but the line about "dancing in the fire" speaks to me because I feel as though I am walking through a fire (because I feel constant demonic attacks) but ocassionally I am inspired to dance, whether I am at church or at home. and so my time in the fire is punctuated by moments of exhilerating surrender to the discipline of joy. I am trying to be like Paul and be content in all things. so I love the song. but then I saw her music video, and though it was cute it didn't live up to my expectations. I have a much cooler music video in my head involving biblical scenes such as Esther storming into the King's court, Joseph being trapped in prison and then rising to succession, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego being thrown in the furnace, and Daniel in the lion's den (all involving Katy). but unfortunately her video is mostly a bunch of sexy shots of her living in the jungle. not very inspiring. so then when I was hearing the song afterwards it gave me a feeling of disappointment regarding her lackluster video. then I got in the car to go to church, switched to a radio station and hoped that "Roar" would come on. I thought, "God, restore the coolness of that song by letting it play next", and after the song that was playing finished, sure enough "Roar" came on! I love it when stuff like that happens. then of course I had to ponder, "did I receive a prophetic word that it was going to come on or did God answer the desire of my heart?" either way it's cool. the next interesting thing that happened was I was sitting in church and right as worship was beginning I looked over and saw a guy that I know and I wanted to say hi, but I was feeling shy. then a few moments later he came up to me and said hi and we had a brief conversation. that was encouraging. also during worship a young guy next to me leaned over to me and told me I had a good voice. I began crying softly, not just because of the compliment but because it made me think of my family, how we all have good voices, how I love singing with them, and how I am so proud to be part of my family. the message was good too. Tom Dermott was preaching about living a maskless life, meaning taking off the religious mask we wear at church and being real about our struggles. he invited people to come to the front who wanted to make a gesture of taking off the mask. I identified with his message because I usually struggle to come to church where I end up telling people I'm doing fine. a man from the ministry team approached me and asked me what was going on. I told him about feeling demonic attacks and also about struggling with same sex attraction, and he prayed a Father's blessing over me. as he was praying, I saw flashes of my earthly dad interacting with me and sitting at the table visiting with people. just different images that remind me that he loves me and that I love him. that encouraged me, cause I've been struggling to feel love from my dad. I'm sure he knows this, but if he doesn't he knows now. so God reminded me that my dad DOES love me and that I love him too. I told my Dad about it later and he seemed encouraged. the man told me that as I receive more of the Father's love that it will push out the demonic attacks and also replace the struggle with same sex attraction. I agreed, and so did my Dad. so that's what's been going on today. now I'm listening to "Roar" and writing in my blog for the first time since winter 2012. and if I don't post for another year - here's to a year full of new adventures, steps of faith, love encounters with Jesus, and healing. hopefully I will have more evidence of these things happening in the months to come.