An update

hi. this is probably your first time to visit my blog. truthfully, I haven't visited it since 2009. my life hasn't changed much since 2009, though. I still live with my parents. I still don't have a job. I still suffer physically in much the same way I did then. so why did I revisit this blog today? I recently attended a funeral of a girl I knew in middle school. well, actually I didn't know her really that well. I was aware of her and had some interaction with her, but I wasn't close friends with her. but still, her presence was a staple in my life. after learning that she died, I could feel an emptiness inside. I knew that a part of my youth was lost. some of you that read this may know her. her name is Lindsey Pruitt. I believe she's in heaven now, making Jesus and all the angels laugh. she had an amazing laugh. she was always very loud and amazing. anyway, while I was at her funeral I had the awkward opportunity of telling people that I knew from middle school what I was up to.
"I'm struggling with issues. I'm on Social Security income for disability."
"I'm struggling with anxiety issues."
"I can feel demons."

those were a few answers I gave to people. the last one being the most bizarre which I shared only with a guy that I was close with during middle school. anyway, one girl suggested that I write a blog about it. so here we are.

yes, I can feel demons. I call it "demonic buzzing". since 2008, a world of the supernatural was opened up to me. I was part of a group that called itself "r3volution" that was active in learning how to prophesy, how to experience what I call "manifestations of the Spirit" and learning how to lay hands on people, heal the sick, cast out demons, etc. we experienced some pretty wild and bizarre pentecostal-type experiences. there was one girl that we all prayed over one day that began growling. her body lurched to the ground as we prayed. she continued growling. we prayed and rebuked "in the name of Jesus" and someone prayed that she and her bloodline would be delivered of this demon (this ended up really ministering to her). this girl had a daughter. and finally I read Psalm 91 and some other Scriptures and eventually she vomited and came back to herself.

we had other bizarre experiences. one time we had a visitor, a black guy. one guy in our group who was especially gifted in the prophetic stood up, walked towards him confidently and began speaking/prophesying to him. the guy began shaking and convulsing uncontrollably. it was wild.

prior to this time, I had begun to have supernatural experiences in private. a couple years previous to this I had begun experiencing a manifestation that felt like a light tingling on my head. this was a pleasurable experience. someone told me it was "the pleasure of your Father". I liked that. then I began experiencing shaking, where my body would suddenly feel like it was about to fall down. then one evening I was with these friends in 2007 and one guy in our group prophesied that we were going to become a love revolution, and my head began shaking as I echoed "love revolution" repeatedly. I liked that too.

then I learned about waiting on God. this was the practice of sitting silently and waiting for God to move, whether through a manifestation or a word of comfort or simply to "be" with Him. I began feeling more of the tingling manifestation on my head and also a sense of a presence hovering over my neck and head. this happened on a near daily basis. eventually though I began sensing what felt like a crawling sensation. I call it "demonic buzzing". like a million little atoms crawling on me, creating a distraction. I would spend time "waiting on God" and the feeling would fade away. but over time, it took longer to wait on God. I eventually couldn't hold a job because I had to focus on God for the manifestations to go away. and over time they wouldn't go away. now I daily experience this demonic buzzing, interrupted by a pleasurable sensation periodically that brings temporary relief. I live with this continual awareness of supernatural manifestations and there is nothing I can do to feel "normal" or to reduce the level of awareness. sometimes when I commit to a task like washing the dishes or working in the yard, the demonic buzzing is reduced while I'm paying attention to thing I'm doing. but it's always sort of there, in the background. it's hard to concentrate on tasks such as writing or reading (even the Bible) or having a conversation with someone. small talk is the worst, because I'm feeling a dramatic sensation while talking to the person, and I'd rather just escape the situation.

I'm explaining this for anyone who is interested. you don't have to believe in the demonic to understand that something is happening to me. perhaps you think it is some form of psychosis. well, I actually go to a doctor that believes that. he diagnosed me with anxiety/depression too, but then I learned that he wrote down "psychosis" as well. he prescribed me some medication, so I take an anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic medicine. I don't know if they do much. they perhaps make me emotionally calm, but I'm not positive. I have gained weight since taking the medication. it could be the medication or it could be things I'm eating.

I have received prayer and counseling. I go up for prayer regularly at my church. I receive lots of encouragement from other Christians. but the demonic "buzzing" continues. it's happening right now. I know I'm capable of feeling something pleasurable in its place. I just don't know what to do to experience it. some people tell me to just "rest" and "believe". that faith precedes the manifestation. and I believe that. but it doesn't seem to be having a huge effect on my life. I dream about going on some kind of trip. like hitchhiking to California or someplace. I dream of encountering God while being on some adventure with him, perhaps being homeless. someday I wonder if I need to act on this for me to fully experience God. I've heard of other men of faith that chose homelessness as a way of experiencing God. if you have a suggestion, feel free to message me. for now I'm just happy to report that I am alive and that I'm full of faith for a mystical experience. God knows I believe in the supernatural. I just need to be activated so I'm not disabled by this feeling. if you have a Scripture to share with me, feel free to share. if you know me at church, feel free to walk up to me and tell me what you think God is telling you about me. I welcome the encouragement. I attribute this experience to mystery. I don't know the reason for it, but God knows. and I believe He will deliver me in time in a perfect way.