working on Sunday

this weekend I worked two 12-and-a-half hour shifts at Papa John's. it was exhausting. not so much because of the work, but because I didn't get a full night's sleep. Saturday was ok. I did fine without being too sleepy, and I made $98. but on Sunday I went to bed around 1:30 am and woke up at 8am to get ready for early service at Convergence Church. so later that day I was pretty sleepy while I was driving. I ended up making $74. I was up late on Saturday because I wanted to watch the season premier of SNL. Tina Fey was hosting, and I love her. it was pretty good. my favorite sketch was the fake promo for the HBO series Girls in which Tina plays an Albanian woman who lives with the girls. it was pretty good. here it is: SNL Girls Promo  


the service at Convergence was good. Mark Snider preached. he is the head worship leader. he preached on the spiritual battle we all face as Christians against spiritual principalities. he quoted Ephesians 6:12 and told some stories of encounters with demons. he said one time some people were praying over him and someone asked him if he struggled with pride. and he was taken aback and said he didn't think so, but as they continued praying he felt a force jump on his back and wrap around his neck and sort of choke him a little. they continued praying and rebuking pride and it left. he said that to indicate that the spiritual battle we are in is very real. I could relate with his story. I often feel a light choking sensation around my neck. it isn't keeping me from breathing, but it's like something is wrapped around my neck. he also shared the Scripture about the woman with the spirit of divination who followed the disciples around in Acts. he said the word for divination comes from a Greek word that means "Python". he said he believes this spirit of Python may be the reason why many believers struggle with being fatigued, depressed, and lacking spiritual appetite for the spiritual disciplines. he shared the Scripture about the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and said that each armor represents a spiritual truth we should focus on to ensure we have the full armor of God. I actually sort of get irritated when I hear people talk about the armor of God. it sounds like an easy, simple solution to life's very difficult problems. but I liked that Mark wasn't preaching about saying a prayer over yourself everyday. he was saying that these were each spiritual truths that would help us in the battle. the helmet of salvation represents our eternal security, and the fact that God's got our back. the belt of Truth doesn't just mean reading the Word of God, but focusing on whatever Truth the Lord has given us in the form of prophetic words or simply just walking in integrity and being truthful. the breastplate of righteoussness represents the righteoussness of Jesus and also walking in righteoussness and making righteouss choices. the feet of the readiness to preach the Gospel of peace represents the peace of God. he said the shoes the soilders wore had cleats, which gave them traction. so this peace of God gives you traction as you forcefully advance against the enemy. I don't really know what that means, but it's an interesting analogy. I looked up the word traction and the first definition seems to apply the most: "the adhesive friction of a body on some surface, as a wheel on a rail or a tire on a road." so if the peace of God gives you traction it must mean that it keeps you grounded or something.
the sword of the Spirit is not just any Scripture but it's Scripture or truth for the moment, a breathed word or Scripture that addresses the situation at hand (similar to Jesus' encounter with the devil in the wilderness). so you get the idea. the different armor pieces represent truths that can help you in your fight against the enemy. and of course reading Scripture is part of how we do that. to be honest with you, I really struggle with reading the Bible, which I know is one of the spiritual disciplines that is supposed to help you fight the enemy. the reason I struggle is because while I'm reading I feel the physical sensations of the enemy attacking me, and when I finish reading they haven't budged. so I get discouraged that my reading doesn't do anything for me. ocassionally, I'll pick it up and read it for an hour. what it does do for me is give me a personal sense of satisfaction that I did what I COULD to enrich myself. so I guess that feeling is worth continuing. I haven't done so today, but I will eventually. I don't read it every day and I don't think you have to read it every day, but I agree it's a healthy thing to do. right now I just felt like blogging and putting some of this out there. maybe it will encourage someone else. I am continuing to believe for deliverance. every day I believe it's possible. and my attitude has changed over the past year as I've been working. I used to think that I had to embark on a physical journey (a "Holy Spirit trip") before I could encounter God. I believed that I had to set out and be homeless and continue walking until I had an encounter with the Lord. but now I believe that would simply put me in a 911 situation where I am totally stressed out and the Lord would come through for me, but it would be in spite of what I did, not because of what I did. so now I am calmly staying at home and working as much as I can to pay back my parents and eventually save up for a car.  I actually managed to work 38 hours last week, which is a big deal for me. that's almost a full time job. I believe that diligence and work is a spiritual discipline, so that is the discipline I am most exercising at the moment. but I will make more time for Scripture. if anything, the sermon with Mark Snider reminded me that I do have tools to fight against the enemy, even though it feels like simply a pro-longed period of torment that I have no control over. I believe I do have authority even though it feels like I don't. what I do believe is I can't control the timing of my deliverance. knowing I'm victorious keeps me focused and helps my attitude, but it may not bring about my healing sooner.  I simply have to keep focusing on truth until the deliverance manifests. and I have been encouraged in the past few days because there were moments when the Holy Spirit touched me briefly and my head started tingling (in a pleasurable way. not a painful tingling) that lasted several seconds. this happened two or three times. it was encouraging.  also, I noticed on Sunday while I was working that the day was unusually beautiful. the sun was shining brightly (but it wasn't too hot), the birds were chirping, and the trees looked more alive. or at least it did to me. Sundays always seems special to me, as if the collective worship of the saints around the world is contributing to global peace or a feeling of love. the very day itself seems to be healing. I love these little signs from the Lord that he is  present and moving behind the scenes. I just wish I had been able to spend the day in rest. I really value rest on Sundays. I will have to tell my manager I can't work EVERY Sunday.  I look forward to greater manifestations of healing in the days to come.

The Beginning of Fall 2013

or should I say post-Summer after-glow? the leaves have barely started changing color. it's still very green and very warm. on the radio they were talking about people being overheated in their homes. they were telling people that if you're a senior citizen and your house is 80 degrees, leave the house and go to a friend's house or to the mall. I'm sure that applies to any of us, though thankfully my house is air conditioned (thank you, Jesus). however, we have been getting some rain, which is a nice change. I've enjoyed the summer the best I can, considering. I never got to go swimming and only attended maybe one cookout, but I do have a job now (a minor miracle of achievement, considering my last post). I've been working now for six months at Papa John's doing pizza delivery so that's been keeping me busy. unfortunately, most of my money has gone towards paying my parents back for three separate incidents with the car. I won't bore you with the details except the first two involved the bumper and were my fault and the most recent one involved someone hitting my driver door. it was their fault but the evidence points to it being my fault. so in total I owe my parents $1500 for three separate insurance deductibles of $500 each. I've paid $500 so far. I also pay $550 rent. the job is going ok. it's part time so it's not overwhelming. I still feel demonic attacks on my face and head, but it's not overpowering. I am able to do my work. I enjoy my co-workers and my managers. they make me laugh. today was good. it was Sunday (the 22nd). some interesting things happened. I spent about twenty minutes listening to Katy Perry's "Roar" on my iPhone. I love the song and the first several times I heard it it gave me chills. I love the whole chorus, but the line about "dancing in the fire" speaks to me because I feel as though I am walking through a fire (because I feel constant demonic attacks) but ocassionally I am inspired to dance, whether I am at church or at home. and so my time in the fire is punctuated by moments of exhilerating surrender to the discipline of joy. I am trying to be like Paul and be content in all things. so I love the song. but then I saw her music video, and though it was cute it didn't live up to my expectations. I have a much cooler music video in my head involving biblical scenes such as Esther storming into the King's court, Joseph being trapped in prison and then rising to succession, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego being thrown in the furnace, and Daniel in the lion's den (all involving Katy). but unfortunately her video is mostly a bunch of sexy shots of her living in the jungle. not very inspiring. so then when I was hearing the song afterwards it gave me a feeling of disappointment regarding her lackluster video. then I got in the car to go to church, switched to a radio station and hoped that "Roar" would come on. I thought, "God, restore the coolness of that song by letting it play next", and after the song that was playing finished, sure enough "Roar" came on! I love it when stuff like that happens. then of course I had to ponder, "did I receive a prophetic word that it was going to come on or did God answer the desire of my heart?" either way it's cool. the next interesting thing that happened was I was sitting in church and right as worship was beginning I looked over and saw a guy that I know and I wanted to say hi, but I was feeling shy. then a few moments later he came up to me and said hi and we had a brief conversation. that was encouraging. also during worship a young guy next to me leaned over to me and told me I had a good voice. I began crying softly, not just because of the compliment but because it made me think of my family, how we all have good voices, how I love singing with them, and how I am so proud to be part of my family. the message was good too. Tom Dermott was preaching about living a maskless life, meaning taking off the religious mask we wear at church and being real about our struggles. he invited people to come to the front who wanted to make a gesture of taking off the mask. I identified with his message because I usually struggle to come to church where I end up telling people I'm doing fine. a man from the ministry team approached me and asked me what was going on. I told him about feeling demonic attacks and also about struggling with same sex attraction, and he prayed a Father's blessing over me. as he was praying, I saw flashes of my earthly dad interacting with me and sitting at the table visiting with people. just different images that remind me that he loves me and that I love him. that encouraged me, cause I've been struggling to feel love from my dad. I'm sure he knows this, but if he doesn't he knows now. so God reminded me that my dad DOES love me and that I love him too. I told my Dad about it later and he seemed encouraged. the man told me that as I receive more of the Father's love that it will push out the demonic attacks and also replace the struggle with same sex attraction. I agreed, and so did my Dad. so that's what's been going on today. now I'm listening to "Roar" and writing in my blog for the first time since winter 2012. and if I don't post for another year - here's to a year full of new adventures, steps of faith, love encounters with Jesus, and healing. hopefully I will have more evidence of these things happening in the months to come.