or should I say post-Summer after-glow? the leaves have barely started
changing color. it's still very green and very warm. on the radio they were talking about people being overheated in their homes. they were telling people that if you're a senior citizen and your house is 80 degrees, leave the house and go to a friend's house or to the mall. I'm sure that applies to any of us, though thankfully my house is air conditioned (thank you, Jesus). however, we have
been getting some rain, which is a nice change. I've enjoyed the summer
the best I can, considering. I never got to go swimming and only attended maybe one cookout, but I do have a job now (a minor miracle of achievement, considering my last post).
I've been working now for six months at Papa John's doing pizza delivery so that's been keeping me
busy. unfortunately, most of my money has gone towards paying my
parents back for three separate incidents with the car. I won't bore you
with the details except the first two involved the bumper and were my
fault and the most recent one involved someone hitting my driver door.
it was their fault but the evidence points to it being my fault. so in
total I owe my parents $1500 for three separate insurance deductibles of $500 each. I've paid $500 so far. I also pay $550 rent. the job is going ok. it's part time so it's not overwhelming. I still
feel demonic attacks on my face and head, but it's not overpowering. I
am able to do my work. I enjoy my co-workers and my managers. they make
me laugh. today was good. it was Sunday (the 22nd). some interesting things happened. I spent
about twenty minutes listening to Katy Perry's "Roar" on my iPhone. I
love the song and the first several times I heard it it gave me chills. I love the whole chorus, but the line about "dancing in the fire" speaks to me because I feel as though I am walking through a fire (because I feel constant demonic attacks) but ocassionally I am inspired to dance, whether I am at church or at home. and so my time in the fire is punctuated by moments of exhilerating surrender to the discipline of joy. I am trying to be like Paul and be content in all things. so I love the song. but then I
saw her music video, and though it was cute it didn't live up to my
expectations. I have a much cooler music video in my head involving biblical scenes such as Esther storming into the King's court, Joseph being trapped in prison and then rising to succession, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego being thrown in the furnace, and Daniel in the lion's den (all involving Katy). but unfortunately her video is mostly a bunch of sexy shots of her living in the jungle. not very inspiring. so then when I was hearing the song afterwards it gave me a feeling of
disappointment regarding her lackluster video. then I got in the car to
go to church, switched to a radio station and hoped that "Roar" would
come on. I thought, "God, restore the coolness of that song by letting
it play next", and after the song that was playing finished, sure enough "Roar" came on! I
love it when stuff like that happens. then of course I had to ponder,
"did I receive a prophetic word that it was going to come on or did God
answer the desire of my heart?" either way it's cool. the next interesting thing that happened was I was sitting in church and right as worship was beginning I looked over and saw a guy that I know and I wanted to say hi, but I was feeling shy. then a few moments later he came up to me and said hi and we had a brief conversation. that was encouraging. also during worship a young guy next to me leaned over to me and told me I had a good voice. I began crying softly, not just because of the compliment but because it made me think of my family, how we all have good voices, how I love singing with them, and how I am so proud to be part of my family. the message was good too. Tom Dermott was preaching about living a maskless life, meaning taking off the religious mask we wear at church
and being real about our struggles. he invited people to come to the
front who wanted to make a gesture of taking off the mask. I identified
with his message because I usually struggle to come to church where I end up telling people I'm doing fine. a man from the ministry team approached me and asked me what was going on. I told him about feeling demonic attacks and also about struggling with same sex attraction, and he prayed a Father's blessing over me. as he was praying, I saw flashes of my earthly dad interacting with me and sitting at the table visiting with people. just different images that remind me that he loves me and that I love him. that encouraged me, cause I've been struggling to feel love from my dad. I'm sure he knows this, but if he doesn't he knows now. so God reminded me that my dad DOES love me and that I love him too. I told my Dad about it later and he seemed encouraged. the man told me that as I receive more of the Father's love that it will push out the demonic attacks and also replace the struggle with same sex attraction. I agreed, and so did my Dad. so that's what's been going on today. now I'm listening to "Roar" and writing in my blog for the first time since winter 2012. and if I don't post for another year - here's to a year full of new adventures, steps of faith, love encounters with Jesus, and healing. hopefully I will have more evidence of these things happening in the months to come.
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