Waiting

I've been listening a lot to Sean Feucht's album Waiting. for those who haven't heard of him, he is sort of a modern day psalmist. his music is "soaking" music. it is designed to help you meditate and focus on the Presence of God. some lyrics he sings over and over. or the music plays softly for an extended period of time. it's a beautiful CD. I've listened to three of his CDs (Waiting, Awaken Love, and the Seattle Sessions) and have been touched by all of them. I'm sure his newer stuff is great too. here's his website: seanfeucht.com one of the lyrics that I connect with is, "I'm waiting here for you. I'm waiting here for you. won't you fill my cup? won't you fill my cup?" (you can find his album "Waiting" on Spotify). I can relate to being in a place of waiting for God to break through and enable me to sense His Presence. some people say you don't ask God to fill you. you just simply have to believe he's filled you already. and there's truth to that. but I think there's a reason Jesus said to "ask, seek, and knock" and I don't think just because you are full of the Holy Spirit that you are currently experiencing Him. so asking is part of the process. of course I get fed up with waiting. I'd rather be experiencing Him. but waiting is still a spiritual step in the process of encountering Him. so I'm content to be waiting for now. here's a picture of me from several years ago. I was part of a photo shoot for a friend's class project. she asked us to write a word on a piece of cardboard that represented us. I wrote the word "Waiting". although this was 2009 and I've gained weight since then, the reality of my experience is still the same. I'm still waiting for Jesus to breakthrough my heart, my emotions, and my spiritual atmosphere and invade my space with the fullness of His love and Presence.

although I am still waiting on God, I did have some highlights in the past several days. I was scanning the American Eagle Careers site and I noticed that a position became open for a "Station Agent" in Dallas/Fort Worth at Love Field airport. this is good because I applied a couple of months ago for a position in Corpus Christie and I was asked to go to an interview. I didn't go, because I knew without a car I wouldn't be able to hold that job, but it was a promising step. if I got an airline job, I would be able to get free flights for myself and my parents and I'd be able to visit my sister and my nephews in San Francico. so I'm optimistic about this DFW position. also, I gave what I think was a prophetic word for someone on Monday. I was spending time with my friend Madonna and we went to a Mexican restaurant. our waitress was named Ashley. she looked similar to a girl I knew in high school named Cherith Bryant. Cherith is a worship leader. I wondered if there was some kind of prophetic link between the two girls so I asked the waitress Ashley if she was a musical person or if she sang. she said that she played clarinet and that she is a music major. I told her I felt like I had a word of encouragement for her that God gave her that gift and that He loved her and he enjoyed the things she enjoyed. just a basic word of encouragement. she seemed touched and said, "well, you've made my day better." she said she is engaged to a guy and he has two kids from a previous relationship and I told her I thought she would be a good mother. she said she's used to kids from taking care of family growing up. so hopefully that word will stay with her. she said she recently moved in with the guy. I wondered what to do with that, but I decided to let the prophetic word speak for itself and not add anything corrective about her living situation. because prophecy is for exhortation and edification and encouragement. it's not usually for correction, although some prophets in the Old Testament used prophecy to correct people. I think you have to be really sure you've heard from God to bring a corrective word. speaking of corrective words, I had an interesting, albeit slightly unpleasant experience on Sunday at church. this wasn't necessarily a highlight. it was just something interesting to observe. I was having some difficulty during worship because of some pain that I was experiencing so I wasn't jumping up and down during worship. later after the service a woman I've met before but don't know very well came up to me and asked me, "you've struggled with depression right?" because I had mentioned something about it while at lunch with her and some people. and I said, "yes, but there's more to the story." and she went on to tell me she had a word for me and the word was that worship was not about me, but about God. and it's not a time for introspection. it's not a spectator sport. she said Worship is about praising Him. and she mentioned that she saw me with my arms crossed during worship and looking around at people and she basically said if I was going to be a spectator to stand in the back where people can't see me. she also said she was a nurse and that I might be diabetic soon because she saw some dark spots on my knuckles. she told me to look up the Diabetic diet, which is no white flour or sugar. I thanked her for her word and moved on. she was right that I wasn't fully engaged that morning, but I wondered if her word was off base. I told someone else about it, a person I respect and he said to just dust that word off because it sounds like she was judging by external appearances. I told this guy that I had been working for 6 months and he said, "the fact that you've been working six months and that you're here and you're standing - that's worship." so that was encouraging. I got a bad word but then a good word afterwards. I was thankful for that. the lady might have been picking up on some things correctly, about my health or my posture that morning, but it wasn't an encouraging word. it was more of a rebuke. so I decided to dust it off, like my friend said. so here I am on Tuesday afternoon. I am resting and waiting for work. I have taken care of some things this morning and I'm feeling pretty good about the future. I'm waiting, but I'm hopeful. :)

Hearing God and The Lion King

several months ago my Mom told me The Lion King would be playing in town and she wondered if I would be interested in going as an early birthday present. I waited a couple of months because I thought it might be possible to get my parents to get me half of a plane ticket to go see my sister and my nephews in San Francisco. you can see her blog here: Our Amazing, Great San Francisco Adventure. anyway, I didn't come up with the other half of the ticket so I decided to go to the play. the gift was for two tickets so I could take a friend. I decided to take my friend Madonna Balas. she's in her fifties, but we spend a great deal of time together. I go to her house and we watch movies or eat out. we talk about our issues, disappointment with church, and our difficulties in relating to "normal people". it's an unlikely but interesting friendship. my Mom informed me that the play tickets also counted as entrance to the Texas State Fair. the morning came and I went with my dad to work so that I could use his car for the day. my Dad told me he recently had heard the song "Roar" by Katy Perry, so we talked about how we both liked it. I turned on the radio to see if it was playing, and after a couple of songs it came on. it was great timing. Dad and I agreed the song made you feel powerful. I was encouraged by that conversation, because I hadn't gotten to talk to my Dad about how much I like that song. I was glad he liked it too. so Madonna and I met in the afternoon to go the fair. I came armed with my Dad's Nalgene water bottle (I need to get one of my own soon). the first thing I noticed were all the people in wheelchairs. it seems unlikely that so many disabled people would come to a huge outdoor event, but there they were. everywhere you turned were men and women in wheelchairs. instantly I felt the tug of compassion and what usually accompanies it - the feeling that I need to pray for some of them for healing. but whether out of shyness or just because I am not at my best emotionally, I resisted. several times. I was wrestling internally about whether I should approach the next one, and then the next one, and at one point I saw someone with a T-Shirt that said "Obey." This fueled my feeling to do something even more. instead I decided to hold back and follow Madonna to our first stop the Children's Aquarium. there we saw a number of fish, as well as small sharks, sting rays, and a large sea turtle. here's me with the turtle:

I especially enjoyed touching the stingrays. their skin felt alien and slimy. it was awesome. after the aquarium, Madonna and I went to the Butterfly House and Insectarium at the Texas Discovery Gardens. it's a large indoor garden filled with plants, trees, and hundreds of butterflies. I don't know how many species they have, but it's a lot. here's some video I took: Butterfly House and Insectarium that was definitely my favorite place at the fair. and the good thing is it's available all year round. after we left the Butterfly House we considered going on the Ferris wheel but we put it off because we thought we might save our tokens for something else. we tried to go to the Milking Cow exhibit but it was closed. then we stopped at a Wine tasting exhibit and I paid for a few shots of wine from a sample cup. Madonna had one too. I felt much more relaxed after drinking that. I forget which brand it was, but their Table Wine was very tasty. we decided to get something to eat so we went to a food court. it was there that I realized that I was missing my dad's water bottle. I told Madonna I needed to go look for it, so I gave her one of the tickets to see the Lion King and I left her eating her food (I regret doing that simply because I could have waited a few minutes and let her eat. there was enough time). I retraced my steps and found the water bottle at one of the "Coupon" booths where we had stopped for directions. once I had my water bottle I felt like I had no excuses anymore about praying for someone. so the next person I saw in a wheelchair I stopped to talk to them. it was an older man named Larry. I forget what his condition was, but I asked him if I could pray for him for healing and he agreed. so I laid my hands on him and prayed for him. as I was wrapping up my prayer, his family came up and I felt a little awkward, so I decided to say goodbye and leave. I didn't do the whole "how are you feeling? is anything happening?" interview. I just left the Lord to take care of him. I finally found my way to the Music Hall where we were going to see the play and I made my way past the entrance and into the hall. our seats were on the balcony. I found my seat, and Madonna joined me a few minutes later. we settled in to watch the play. the first few minutes of the play I was crying. I love the intro "Circle of Life" and the scenes of the animals bowing for the new king. it makes me think of every tribe and nation bowing before Jesus. there were several scenes in the play that I cried. I cried when Simba's father died. I was thinking of my own father, and the day that he might die, and hearing Simba say, "wake up. wake up" made me tear up. I could imagine me laying hands on my father and asking for him to be raised up. and I would likely have to face the cold hard fact that he is/will be gone. this made me feel a conviction to make the most of my time with my father. other scenes that made me cry were when Simba and Nala meet after Simba has been away for a long time. the part where Nala sings, "Why won't he be the king I know he is, the King I see inside", I was struck by the beauty of someone seeing your real identity and rooting for you. I was thinking about my lack of courage during the day and wondering if the Holy Spirit was rooting for me in the same way, to be braver, more ready and willing to break through the general status quo. the scenes leading up to Simba's encounter with His father in the sky were filled with music that touched me as I thought about my own internal struggle as a man dealing with same sex attraction. after his encounter with his father, there was a chorus that went "He lives in you. He lives in me. He watches over us" and that made me cry. of course, I thought about Father God and how he wants me to remember who I am and that His Love lives in me all the time. and at the end when Simba regains his leadership over the pack and ascends Pride Rock I cried as the music swelled, signifying his reclaiming of his kingship. I too believe I am a king in the making, and that the Holy Spirit is rooting for me to ascend my own Pride Rock, to tell the enemy to "Run. Run away and never return" and reclaim my throne. I love these themes of Father and Son, kingship, identity. it touches me deeply. Madonna and I talked about it afterwards and I told her, "that play has Jesus written all over it." and she agreed. so that was my time at the fair. I got rocked and inspired to be braver, to not be afraid to let my "roar" come out (harking back to the conversation with Dad about "Roar"), and to be reminded that God's love lives in me. all in all, it was a great day of encountering God's love. I didn't get totally healed or anything like that, but I was touched by God's Presence and he took my breath away for a few glorious moments.