why I "pick and choose" what I like in the Bible

I recently read Evolving in Monkey Town: How a Girl Who Knew All The Answers Learned to Ask the Questions by Rachel Held Evans. I think if I were to teach a Sunday School class at church this would be required reading to be part of the class. It is a great primer for talking about the fluidity and flexibility of biblical interpretation. Rachel grew up in Dayton, Tennessee (home of the famous Scopes trial of 1925, hence the name "Monkey Town"). Dayton is a heavily fundamentalist city. Rachel discusses her upbringing in a fundamentalist denomination and how she clung tightly to those beliefs, but later in life she began to be plagued with doubts about the goodness of God, hell, and eternity. she began to feel that all of us are in a "cosmic lottery" of sorts and that those of us who grow up in Christian environments simply get the luck of the draw. she wondered how God could send the majority of people to hell for eternity when they had never had an opportunity to hear the Gospel. Rachel tells the story of how she wrestled with these questions and eventually began to let go of her tightly held beliefs and embrace a more open mindset that gave room for doubt of her own interpretation. essentially, her message is to not let go of your beliefs, but to hold them out with an open hand. it's a call to admit that we could be wrong, and that our interpretation could be flawed. ultimately, it's a book about Jesus too. as Rachel discovers, Jesus had more to say about temporal issues such as loving your neighbor, loving your enemy, preaching the gospel to the poor, than he did about hell and eternal damnation. in other words, Jesus is full of compassion for the present day problems people have and he isn't overly concerned that they are headed to hell. he focused on the outcasts, the poor, the sinners, those who were deemed unworthy of salvation by the religious people. his attitude was simply different than a lot of evangelical Christians. sure, there are passages about hell. but their meaning is unclear, whereas the meaning of loving your enemy is very clear. so this brings me to the issue of this blog. why do I pick and choose certain texts that I like (such as "love your neighbor") and I choose to ignore those that I don't like (such as passages about eternal damnation or instructions to pluck out my eye if it causes me to sin). well, in regards to hell, the reason why I do that is that the overwhelming evidence about Jesus is that he is merciful and not condemning. so when a passage seems to indicate that he is condemning (such as talk of everlasting fire or torment), I simply put that verse on the shelf and I say to myself, "I don't know what that means or what that refers to, but I know that God is good and that his mercy triumphs over judgment"). and the truth is that we all do this. someone gave me a prophetic word yesterday that God would use me to dismantle heresies. I love it. I think the first heresy I want to dismantle is the idea that there is ONE authoritative interpretation of the Bible. the Bible should not be used as trump card but rather a conversation-starter. Rachel says in a chapel speech that she gave that we all "pick and choose". she says, "I pick and choose, you pick and choose, your pastor picks and chooses, your parents pick and choose. the important thing is to have a conversation about why I pick and choose and why you pick and choose" (paraphrased). when was the last time you examined yourself to see if you were committing the sin of gluttony? have you called anyone an idiot recently? have you said a "careless word"? if you are a woman, do you wear a head covering? are you silent in church? do we think it's appropriate to have slaves and to instruct our slaves to obey their masters? all of these are instructions or commands found in the New Testament most of which we probably ignore. but why? don't we want to be biblical? well, maybe the issue isn't that we have to be biblical. maybe the issue is that we want to be more like Jesus. would Jesus own a slave? would Jesus tell you to wear a head covering? would Jesus forbid you from speaking in church, even despite the fact that he instructed the women at the resurrection to go and tell the men that he was alive? maybe when thinking of "picking and choosing" we should re-consider the old phrase "what would Jesus do?" this is why I pick and choose, because I see in Jesus a God who is merciful and who wants all to come to salvation. I don't know if that will happen. I don't know if hell is eternal. I don't know if Jesus intends to scare us into salvation. however, I do know that he instructs us to love our enemies, that he wants us to preach the gospel to the poor, that he wants us to accept sinners and outcasts without condemning them. I know that he is good and that "his mercies never come to an end". that is why I pick and choose.

Why I Was Disappointed by World Vision's Reversal of their Decision

I just came across an excellent blog by Rachel Held Evans in which she discusses the recent decision World Vision made to allow gays and lesbians to work in their company, the backlash they received from the evangelical community, and the subsequent reversal of that decision. here is her blog if you want to read it:
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/03/31/how-evangelicals-won-a-culture-war-and-lost-a-generation/

if you don't know the details, last week World Vision, a Christian relief organization, announced that it would allow gays and lesbians to work in their company. they said that they did not consider themselves a theological arm of the church and that this decision reflected their desire to be diverse and to preserve Christian unity across a number of denominational practices. Robert Stearns, the director, said in an interview with Christianity Today, "“I want to be clear that we have not endorsed same-sex marriage, but we have chosen to defer to the authority of local churches on this issue.”

then there was a strong conservative Christian backlash. many denominations told their congregants to withdraw support. in the first 48 hours 2000 people withdrew their support. so World Vision reversed their decision. “We’ve listened to supporters who were concerned about the conduct change in policy,” Stearns told a reporter. “We believe we made a mistake. We’re asking them to forgive and understand our poor judgment in the original decision.”

this reversal of decision disappointed me for a couple of reason. first, I want to say that I do believe homosexuality is a sin. I also believe divorce and remarriage is a sin in certain instances, and that looking at pornography is a sin. but I don't believe the latter two should be grounds for not hiring someone at a relief organization. neither should the first. I also feel that the original decision should not have warranted the withdrawal of support that it did. as Rachel says in her blog: "When Christians declare that they would rather withhold aid from people who need it than serve alongside gays and lesbians helping to provide that aid, something is wrong."

yes. something is wrong. why are we offended that gays and lesbians are involved in the paperwork or clerical work that makes it possible for hungry kids to receive aid? and why aren't we offended at the divorcees or the potential pornography users? I agree there should be some boundaries. World Vision's original decision stated that they required their employees to practice abstinence before marriage and faithfulness in marriage. so it's not like it was one big free-for-all at World Vision. why is it evangelicals were willing to be selective about this issue and no other sin issue? and why were they willing to sacrifice the health of children for it? something in our priorities has gotten out of whack.

I do believe in purity. I believe in living a godly lifestyle. but when it comes to relief organizations or corporations I believe they should have the right to allow gays and lesbians to work in their company without being labeled as heretics or compromisers. and I'm also fine with Christian organizations that choose not to support gays and lesbians. I believe they should have the right to choose either way. I myself believe that the issue of homosexuality being a sin is a debatable issue. I am not convinced that all the passages in Scripture that typically call it a sin are properly understood. I believe there are mistranslations and misinterpretations. so I still believe it's a sin? yes. but for personal reasons. the point I am making is that this is an issue that doesn't have easy answers. it's not as clear-cut and set in stone as we would like it to be. and for issues that are not as clear-cut, such as gay marriage or divorce and remarriage, I believe we should extend grace where there is uncertainty. I agree with World Vision's original statements about how they are not a theological arm of the church nor should they have to operate as though they were. in closing  I'll mention another quote from Rachel which I found convicting: "Christians can disagree about what the Bible says (or doesn’t say) about same-sex marriage. This is not an issue of orthodoxy. But when we begin using child sponsorships as bargaining tools in our debates, we’ve lost the way of Jesus."

this is not about orthodoxy. this is about being like Jesus. are we being like Jesus if we withdraw support from an organization that feeds kids because they allow gays and lesbians to work there? I think not. I could be wrong. but I suspect that Jesus, the same Jesus that sat with the Samaritan woman at the well (a no-no in his culture, both because she was a woman and a Samaritan), wouldn't have a problem with a Christian organization hiring gays and lesbians. I just don't see it.

my thoughts on Obamacare

a year ago I was under the misunderstanding that Obamacare was, in fact, free healthcare. and I assumed (like many Christians) that it would definitely support and/or fund abortion on demand. well, it's been a year now and I now understand more of what the Affordable Care Act is. for the purpose of this blog, I will focus mainly on Obamacare's relationship with abortion. first of all, Obamacare is an expansion of Medicaid. I used to object to the individual mandate (and it still makes me uncomfortable). but over time I realized it is a blending of capitalism and liberalism. the fact that there is an individual mandate is what preserves the capitalistic aspect of it. it allows people to choose their own insurance, be it private or with Medicaid (Obamacare). however, if there was no mandate then it would be a free healthcare market and pretty soon it would eliminate all other competition. so the mandate preserves capitalism. but it is also liberal in the sense that it expands the power of government to offer healthcare and to control the healthcare market. for many people that is enough to be against it. but I'm not so sure. if the mandate ensures that there is still a capitalistic aspect to it, then it's not a complete loss for Republicans.

my primary objection to Obamacare used to be that it would fund abortions. but what I learned from Factcheck.org was that it only funds abortions in the case of rape, incest, or where the life of the mother is at stake. this is the same criteria that Medicaid has. remember, we all pay into Medicaid if we have jobs and we do our taxes. in order to escape this you'd have to move to another country or go completely off grid, stop paying taxes, and live in the woods somewhere away from society and stop using a social security card. which is probably what most Americans are not going to do anytime soon. so once I realized this about Obamacare my concerns were somewhat alleviated. I'm still against abortion in the case of incest or rape, but as long as we are having to pay into Medicaid by law then I have very little choice in the matter. maybe one day we will have a libertarian president that will offer reform in the Medicaid industry. I don't know. we can pray.

another pro for Obamacare is that studies have shown that in regions where free contraceptives are available that the number of abortions decreases. Obamacare will offer free contraception with no co-pay, so this seems to be a strong advantage. but others have pointed out that some of the more popular contraceptives known as IUDs are in fact abortifacients (meaning that they cause abortions in many cases). so that is a negative towards the argument for free contraception.

then there is the argument that in advanced societies where free healthcare is available that abortion rates have radically reduced. T. R. Reid from the Washington Post says, "All the other advanced, free-market democracies provide health-care coverage for everybody. And all of them have lower rates of abortion than does the United States. This is not a coincidence. There’s a direct connection between greater health coverage and lower abortion rates." this is confirmed by the World Heatlh Organization which shows statistics of abortions in European countries. so this argument actually favors free healthcare (as opposed to the Affordable Care Act, which is a moderate blending of Republican and Democratic concepts) which is a radically liberal position. and maybe the radical liberals are right about free healthcare. maybe that is favorable. I am beginning to lean in that direction.

so my feelings about Obamacare are mixed. on the one hand, I'm excited about the possibility of more people having access to affordable healthcare, but I don't think it should cover contraception that causes abortions. I think those goals are counterproductive. and I'm not entirely convinced either way about a so-called free healthcare market. it could be good for society...or it could give the government control that we don't want it to have. so I could see Obamacare succeeding, and I could see it failing. time will tell. that's why I'm on the fence about it. but I do believe there is no sin in joining Obamacare. just as Jesus told his disciples to pay Ceasar what is Ceasar's there is no sin in paying what is virtually a healthcare tax. it's what we have to do to not to offend authorities or cause penalties (unless we are lucky enough to have a job with benefits or we are living totally off grid and supporting ourselves off of our own garden and/or rodent farm).  I am definitely not against anyone signing up for it. my ambivalence is about its benefits in the long run. it's just too soon to tell.

some reflections on perception

I looked at a photo of myself from a few years ago and I was a lot cuter than I remembered. I remembered at the time hating the way I looked. Now I've gained more weight and I wish I could return to that guy! Haha! It's funny how perception works.

It's getting me thinking that the way I perceive myself (not just physically, but emotionally and existentially) is not the same way that others perceive me or that even God perceives me. If I would wager a guess, most people probably perceive that I'm a very positive, encouraging person. I base this on ocassional visits at church and facebook posts. and I do project that image more often than not. what they don't see is the 80 % of the time that I feel despair, hopelessness, pain, irritation, anxiety, depression, etc. they only see the 10-20 % image that I project. not that I'm being fake, but that I make a conscious choice to be positive around people as much as possible. I am honest about my struggles, but I maintain an awareness of hope and perserverence. and I speak in faith to people around me.

I think God sees that 10-20 % and he thinks that is just the most awesome thing ever. my counselor tells me that me doing things like having a job or going on a mission trip or writing a screenplay is going to take a lot more than it takes for most people. and that there is a reward in that. He thinks God is proud of me for taking these steps.

I recently wrote a memoir. It's still in a polishing stage and it isn't published, but I feel that I accomplished something that I had wanted to do for some time, which is to tell my story. if I don't publish it, I might self-publish eventually. what I learned through the process was that I am on a journey of learning how to accept myself in light of how God sees me. I am learning how to stand on 10-20 % truth when 80 % of me is bound up in lies. I am learning that I'm not as awful as I thought I was. that there's way less to be ashamed of then I previously thought (really nothing to be ashamed of, when you get right down to it). I learned that God is teaching me how to honor people even when I don't feel like it or they don't accept me fully. I learned how to maintain healthy boundaries with those of the same sex that I've been attracted to. I learned humility and grace towards those guys who rejected me.

my dad preached on Sunday about powerful versus powerless people. he said we are all made in the image of God and God is powerful, therefore we are meant to be powerful too. he said powerful people don't try to change other people. they aren't putting expectations on others to be something that they can't be, whereas powerless people use manipulation and coercion to try to change others or put their expectations on them. I realized I had been doing that in my own life, particularly with my relationship with my dad. I won't go into details here, but there's certain things I wish he would do that he doesn't do as often as I'd like. and I am learning that I can have Grace for him to be the person he is, and I don't have to change him. I feel a sense of heaviness lift off of me as I realize this. I can be powerful in having grace for my dad. I can be powerful in choosing to be my own person and not trying to change him. I can love him just the way he is, despite whatever mistakes he's made along the way. and I do love my dad. I'm grateful he is my dad.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm still learning. I'm still processing. I am in process. I am realizing that there is Breakthrough in the midst of the process. there are subtle revelations and hints of God's voice and a sense of maturity that is breaking through my soul while I continue to believe for supernatural healing and deliverance. maybe I won't get my healing in the way I hope I will, but I will get wisdom along the way and virtue. that is worth more than gold.

Faith, Love, and Mozambique

I recently had a session with my counselor that sort of re-opened my eyes to some basic truths I had let go of. I was talking to him about how I feel these negative manifestations on a constant basis (a feeling like tiny bugs are crawling inside my face, irritating my skin) and how they prevent me from doing normal things. A year ago when I had started coming to him he told me his story about how he dealt with crippling anxiety and depression. He felt like he couldn't work or function normally, but that he kept working and pursuing healing and eventually the anxiety attacks stopped. He encouraged me to get a job, and I did. I have now been working at Papa John's delivering pizzas for a year. But I still feel these negative manifestations. I told him that if a year ago he had told me, "if you don't work you don't eat" I wouldn't have listened to him because it wouldn't have ministered to my pain. But because he told me his story it was more compelling so I felt like I had to listen and respond.

He asked me, "This issue of responsibility is a wound for you isn't it?" I agreed with him and explained that I felt like I needed to have compassion on myself and not push myself too hard because of how difficult things were. He responded that if that was the case then how did the law of sowing and reaping work in my life? I didn't have much of a response to that. It's something I'm still chewing on. I started telling him how I felt like my dreams were on the back burner right now because of these feelings. I cried. I told him I wanted to make movies, write a screenplay, and do all these things but that I couldn't do them because of the pain. He continued challenging me that maybe if I pursued my dreams while I was still feeling these things that eventually they might go away.

I gave him an example. I told him that if I were to go to Mozambique on a mission trip to visit Iris Ministries (a missions base and orphanage that I am drawn to) I know that I could serve there but I wouldn't feel like God would heal me. So I felt like it was a no-go. Then my counselor said (I'm paraphrasing), "Then Mozambique would be robbed of you. They would be robbed of your testimony. There are people there who are in despair and they need someone to tell them that they can persevere and hold on to God." This time tears of revelation and healing streamed down my face. I realized what he was saying was true. I asked him, "So you are saying that doing these things despite how I feel is an act of love?" He said, "It's an act of faith to God and an act of love for humanity." I felt God gently correcting my vision. I had thought that I needed to strive for a healing experience, but what I realized in that moment was that God was empowering me to choose to love people no matter how I feel. My counselor agreed with me and said, "The feelings will follow." I know what he is saying is true. I know now that I can continue to pursue my dreams.

My counselor mentioned me pitching a story to a board of people. I told him that would be so awkward. He asked me why. I said, "I would be feeling these manifestations on my face and I would feel like I was projecting a false image of myself that I am doing fine." He said, "But that's because you're basing how you feel on what people think of you. The truth is you would be there to share a story. It's not about you and how you feel. It's about the story. If people ask you later you can tell them, "It felt like hell", but the truth is you did it." This was encouraging. I realize now that success isn't dependent on me feeling good. It's dependent on the choices I make to love humanity and to act on faith. Whether I go to Mozambique one day or write a screenplay and pitch it to a board of people in Hollywood, I know I can be confident because it's not about how I feel. It's about what I carry and the story I have to tell.

Shame and Hope

there's a song from the International House of Prayer called "Preserve Me." It's by Jordan Johnson. It goes, "Preserve me, oh God, let not shame stand in my way. I have no good apart from you...I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy. I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy...won't you open up my soul? won't you open up my soul?".


I've been listening to this song constantly in the past several weeks. The Lord has been touching and moving me to tears. The song itself is beautiful. The lyrics are almost secondary to the feeling and the emotion behind the song. But I do identify with the lyrics.

To be honest, I struggle with shame. There's certain things I do that bring shame into my life. I struggle with sexual-related sin. I struggle with lust for the same sex. I get insecure around "cute guys", so to speak.

There's a few other things that bring me shame. The fact that I still live with my parents tends to bring some shame. The fact that I don't own a car or that I can't work a full time job because I have a disability (anxiety/depression with psychosis, according to my doctor, though I object to the "psychosis" part). All these things produce little feelings of shame.

I know there's no condemnation in Christ, but I feel it anyway. Why is that? I think the fact is that I live in a culture that is shame-based. If you aren't successfull according to the world's standards you ought to feel ashamed of yourself. That seems to be the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) message behind society. So there's little room for people who are struggling, people with anxiety/depression, people with mental illness, or disabilities. These people are not considered success stories. Never mind that they get up everyday, put on their clothes and shoes (if they can wear shoes), and face another day of great difficulty with bravery and dignity.

Yes, my culture breeds shame in me. But I also do it to myself. I know that Christ isn't ashamed of me, but I let shame in. I do fight it, though, with compassionate thoughts towards myself, and meditation. I recently began practicing self-hypnosis. I'll listen to some self-hypnosis tracks on YouTube and let the voice guide me into a state of relaxation. Then I'll let the voice wash over me as it speaks positive affirmations and suggestions. It does help a little bit. It helps me to relax and be quiet inside.

I also go walking on a treadmill with a friend of mine. We chat about our issues and we try to encourage one another the best way we can. I visit with friends at coffeeshops and restaurants (when I can afford it). My friends light me up and energize me. So I do have my weapons.

Oddly enough, Scripture is not a weapon I tend to reach for. I feel like it doesn't quite "do it" for me most of the time. Ocassionally a Scripture will come to mind that will encourage me, but reading vast amounts of Scripture tends to sort of stress me out a bit. So I sit quietly, I wait patiently for the Lord, I hypnotize myself, and I worship with music. I do all these things to fight the swirl of shame around me.

And I believe that one day I'll break through it. One day I'll pierce through the fog and my heart will lift and I will be able to breathe again. I have felt it for brief periods of time in the past. I know I will feel it again. This gives me hope. And as Scripture says, "Hope does not disappoint." So yes, I feel shame. But I feel hope too. I sense victory just beyond the horizon. I sense a light at the end of the tunnel. One of them has to win the day. My bet is on hope. Why? Because Christ lives in me, and he is the "hope of Glory." And Christ always wins. So it means I will win too.

P.S. I exaggerated somewhat about how reading Scripture stresses me out. it's more the THOUGHT of reading Scripture that stresses me out...but when I actually sit down and plow through it I feel ok about it. so I know it's a discipline. it's unpleasant to do at first, but it can be rewarding in the long run.