Shame and Hope

there's a song from the International House of Prayer called "Preserve Me." It's by Jordan Johnson. It goes, "Preserve me, oh God, let not shame stand in my way. I have no good apart from you...I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy. I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy...won't you open up my soul? won't you open up my soul?".


I've been listening to this song constantly in the past several weeks. The Lord has been touching and moving me to tears. The song itself is beautiful. The lyrics are almost secondary to the feeling and the emotion behind the song. But I do identify with the lyrics.

To be honest, I struggle with shame. There's certain things I do that bring shame into my life. I struggle with sexual-related sin. I struggle with lust for the same sex. I get insecure around "cute guys", so to speak.

There's a few other things that bring me shame. The fact that I still live with my parents tends to bring some shame. The fact that I don't own a car or that I can't work a full time job because I have a disability (anxiety/depression with psychosis, according to my doctor, though I object to the "psychosis" part). All these things produce little feelings of shame.

I know there's no condemnation in Christ, but I feel it anyway. Why is that? I think the fact is that I live in a culture that is shame-based. If you aren't successfull according to the world's standards you ought to feel ashamed of yourself. That seems to be the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) message behind society. So there's little room for people who are struggling, people with anxiety/depression, people with mental illness, or disabilities. These people are not considered success stories. Never mind that they get up everyday, put on their clothes and shoes (if they can wear shoes), and face another day of great difficulty with bravery and dignity.

Yes, my culture breeds shame in me. But I also do it to myself. I know that Christ isn't ashamed of me, but I let shame in. I do fight it, though, with compassionate thoughts towards myself, and meditation. I recently began practicing self-hypnosis. I'll listen to some self-hypnosis tracks on YouTube and let the voice guide me into a state of relaxation. Then I'll let the voice wash over me as it speaks positive affirmations and suggestions. It does help a little bit. It helps me to relax and be quiet inside.

I also go walking on a treadmill with a friend of mine. We chat about our issues and we try to encourage one another the best way we can. I visit with friends at coffeeshops and restaurants (when I can afford it). My friends light me up and energize me. So I do have my weapons.

Oddly enough, Scripture is not a weapon I tend to reach for. I feel like it doesn't quite "do it" for me most of the time. Ocassionally a Scripture will come to mind that will encourage me, but reading vast amounts of Scripture tends to sort of stress me out a bit. So I sit quietly, I wait patiently for the Lord, I hypnotize myself, and I worship with music. I do all these things to fight the swirl of shame around me.

And I believe that one day I'll break through it. One day I'll pierce through the fog and my heart will lift and I will be able to breathe again. I have felt it for brief periods of time in the past. I know I will feel it again. This gives me hope. And as Scripture says, "Hope does not disappoint." So yes, I feel shame. But I feel hope too. I sense victory just beyond the horizon. I sense a light at the end of the tunnel. One of them has to win the day. My bet is on hope. Why? Because Christ lives in me, and he is the "hope of Glory." And Christ always wins. So it means I will win too.

P.S. I exaggerated somewhat about how reading Scripture stresses me out. it's more the THOUGHT of reading Scripture that stresses me out...but when I actually sit down and plow through it I feel ok about it. so I know it's a discipline. it's unpleasant to do at first, but it can be rewarding in the long run.