some reflections on perception

I looked at a photo of myself from a few years ago and I was a lot cuter than I remembered. I remembered at the time hating the way I looked. Now I've gained more weight and I wish I could return to that guy! Haha! It's funny how perception works.

It's getting me thinking that the way I perceive myself (not just physically, but emotionally and existentially) is not the same way that others perceive me or that even God perceives me. If I would wager a guess, most people probably perceive that I'm a very positive, encouraging person. I base this on ocassional visits at church and facebook posts. and I do project that image more often than not. what they don't see is the 80 % of the time that I feel despair, hopelessness, pain, irritation, anxiety, depression, etc. they only see the 10-20 % image that I project. not that I'm being fake, but that I make a conscious choice to be positive around people as much as possible. I am honest about my struggles, but I maintain an awareness of hope and perserverence. and I speak in faith to people around me.

I think God sees that 10-20 % and he thinks that is just the most awesome thing ever. my counselor tells me that me doing things like having a job or going on a mission trip or writing a screenplay is going to take a lot more than it takes for most people. and that there is a reward in that. He thinks God is proud of me for taking these steps.

I recently wrote a memoir. It's still in a polishing stage and it isn't published, but I feel that I accomplished something that I had wanted to do for some time, which is to tell my story. if I don't publish it, I might self-publish eventually. what I learned through the process was that I am on a journey of learning how to accept myself in light of how God sees me. I am learning how to stand on 10-20 % truth when 80 % of me is bound up in lies. I am learning that I'm not as awful as I thought I was. that there's way less to be ashamed of then I previously thought (really nothing to be ashamed of, when you get right down to it). I learned that God is teaching me how to honor people even when I don't feel like it or they don't accept me fully. I learned how to maintain healthy boundaries with those of the same sex that I've been attracted to. I learned humility and grace towards those guys who rejected me.

my dad preached on Sunday about powerful versus powerless people. he said we are all made in the image of God and God is powerful, therefore we are meant to be powerful too. he said powerful people don't try to change other people. they aren't putting expectations on others to be something that they can't be, whereas powerless people use manipulation and coercion to try to change others or put their expectations on them. I realized I had been doing that in my own life, particularly with my relationship with my dad. I won't go into details here, but there's certain things I wish he would do that he doesn't do as often as I'd like. and I am learning that I can have Grace for him to be the person he is, and I don't have to change him. I feel a sense of heaviness lift off of me as I realize this. I can be powerful in having grace for my dad. I can be powerful in choosing to be my own person and not trying to change him. I can love him just the way he is, despite whatever mistakes he's made along the way. and I do love my dad. I'm grateful he is my dad.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm still learning. I'm still processing. I am in process. I am realizing that there is Breakthrough in the midst of the process. there are subtle revelations and hints of God's voice and a sense of maturity that is breaking through my soul while I continue to believe for supernatural healing and deliverance. maybe I won't get my healing in the way I hope I will, but I will get wisdom along the way and virtue. that is worth more than gold.