Faith, Love, and Mozambique

I recently had a session with my counselor that sort of re-opened my eyes to some basic truths I had let go of. I was talking to him about how I feel these negative manifestations on a constant basis (a feeling like tiny bugs are crawling inside my face, irritating my skin) and how they prevent me from doing normal things. A year ago when I had started coming to him he told me his story about how he dealt with crippling anxiety and depression. He felt like he couldn't work or function normally, but that he kept working and pursuing healing and eventually the anxiety attacks stopped. He encouraged me to get a job, and I did. I have now been working at Papa John's delivering pizzas for a year. But I still feel these negative manifestations. I told him that if a year ago he had told me, "if you don't work you don't eat" I wouldn't have listened to him because it wouldn't have ministered to my pain. But because he told me his story it was more compelling so I felt like I had to listen and respond.

He asked me, "This issue of responsibility is a wound for you isn't it?" I agreed with him and explained that I felt like I needed to have compassion on myself and not push myself too hard because of how difficult things were. He responded that if that was the case then how did the law of sowing and reaping work in my life? I didn't have much of a response to that. It's something I'm still chewing on. I started telling him how I felt like my dreams were on the back burner right now because of these feelings. I cried. I told him I wanted to make movies, write a screenplay, and do all these things but that I couldn't do them because of the pain. He continued challenging me that maybe if I pursued my dreams while I was still feeling these things that eventually they might go away.

I gave him an example. I told him that if I were to go to Mozambique on a mission trip to visit Iris Ministries (a missions base and orphanage that I am drawn to) I know that I could serve there but I wouldn't feel like God would heal me. So I felt like it was a no-go. Then my counselor said (I'm paraphrasing), "Then Mozambique would be robbed of you. They would be robbed of your testimony. There are people there who are in despair and they need someone to tell them that they can persevere and hold on to God." This time tears of revelation and healing streamed down my face. I realized what he was saying was true. I asked him, "So you are saying that doing these things despite how I feel is an act of love?" He said, "It's an act of faith to God and an act of love for humanity." I felt God gently correcting my vision. I had thought that I needed to strive for a healing experience, but what I realized in that moment was that God was empowering me to choose to love people no matter how I feel. My counselor agreed with me and said, "The feelings will follow." I know what he is saying is true. I know now that I can continue to pursue my dreams.

My counselor mentioned me pitching a story to a board of people. I told him that would be so awkward. He asked me why. I said, "I would be feeling these manifestations on my face and I would feel like I was projecting a false image of myself that I am doing fine." He said, "But that's because you're basing how you feel on what people think of you. The truth is you would be there to share a story. It's not about you and how you feel. It's about the story. If people ask you later you can tell them, "It felt like hell", but the truth is you did it." This was encouraging. I realize now that success isn't dependent on me feeling good. It's dependent on the choices I make to love humanity and to act on faith. Whether I go to Mozambique one day or write a screenplay and pitch it to a board of people in Hollywood, I know I can be confident because it's not about how I feel. It's about what I carry and the story I have to tell.